the good old days

If you’re feeling both frumpy and paranoid, this may (or may not) be the movie for you — How to Be Well Groomed (1949) provides basic instruction on personal grooming habits, as well as assuring its audience that everyone is staring at you and making personal judgements all day long.

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Overall, it’s fairly bland, although the narrator can’t quite avoid being mean.

• “Sue avoids red nail polish, since it would draw attention to her stubby hands.”
• “Mother, too, keeps up a good appearance even around the house, for that keeps up her spirits.” (That quote is actually an interesting indirect acknowledgement that housework and cooking really isn’t enough to keep one cheerful and fulfilled. Unfortunately, it also implies that tidy clothing will fill in the gaps.)
• “Let’s hope [Don] pays a little attention to pattern and colors!”

“OK, Joe, now just sit here and relax while I spray this shit in your face. If we made the respirator right, you’ll be just fine!”
“Wait–what? Did you just say IF, Bill?”
“Haha, no, of course not! Just breathe deeply…”

Via Modern Mechanix, and appropriately tagged “just weird”

Let’s face it — perfume was incredibly necessary in centuries when nobody bathed. Back then, it was vital to douse yourself in something to distract from your personal funk. But when you wash off the sweat and grime, there isn’t much odor to cloak.

The actress in this Avon commercial (instructional video?) has more fun than anyone should have when applying perfume — and also apparently wears far more perfume than is appropriate. (After all, “everone in the room” notices it…) Let’s face it — perfume was incredibly necessary in centuries when nobody bathed.

There’s a good reason you don’t see Mr. Perfume in this video — he’s died of asphyxiation. But don’t worry, her guests won’t notice the rotting body odor, thanks to the gallon of perfume on her pulse points!

In the modern age of vaccines, hygiene, and adequate nutrition, it’s rare to have a terribly serious contagion inflicted on one’s offspring. Petty, annoying diseases are still fairly frequent. For example, now that he’s going to daycare, Son has expressed his outrage at Mother’s neglect by catching a cold. (This is his backup plan, of course, after shrieking at the top of his lungs and kicking the door failed to work.)

What’s most unfair about this cunning plan of his? He’s not wasting away in bed; aside from a few big sneezes and not being able to suck his thumb (because he can’t breathe through his nose), Son has barely noticed he’s ill. Instead, he’s punishing me by infecting the damn cold on ME, then recovering in 48 hours while I shiver and sniffle for at least a week. The recuperative abilities of the average toddler are far better than that of the average adult.

Just in time for the start of classes, too. Yeah, kids are totally awesome.

Via Millie Motts.

Soooo, what do you think this is an ad for?

Listerine.

Nope, not kidding. (Hey, it’s not nearly as bad as Lysol douching.) I honestly don’t know enough about dandruff to know how effective this might be — of course, people shower much more frequently nowadays than they did in 1930.

Apparently men must violently assault their own head, while women simply dab it onto their scalp.

Via Modern Mechanix and inspired by Kitchen Retro.

Q: What’s worse than an annoying drunk?
A: An annoying drunk who can’t fall asleep because he’s been drinking beer with caffeine in it.

I thought that was the whole point of being falling-down-drunk — you fell down and fell asleep. Being forced awake for that part doesn’t sound like fun. (Oh yeah — and it glows in the dark to help make your surreal experience extra-surreal.)

In a futile hope to make this rant more interesting, I looked for a vintage education film which explained why your alcohol shouldn’t be caffeinated. I was hoping to see another scientist getting rats drunk, but no luck.

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Alcohol and the Human Body was produced by Encyclopaedia Brittanica Films, so it’s pretty dully narrated. (Drink some caffeinated beer to keep yourself awake.) It is interesting for a while — demonstrate how alcoholic drinks are made, show how it is metabolized, and explains that you will get pelegra* or beriberi if you substitute alcohol for food. (I don’t know why they concentrate on those particular two. You’d also be at risk of scurvy, right? Maybe there’s something about Vitamin B and alcohol.)

1949 was a little too early for my mother and her siblings to have seen this, but I wonder what they might have made of the film since their father was an alcoholic. (Not the draped-over-the-sidewalk-asleep kind, he kept it at home.)

* I knew a nice machine shop technician who used to talk about having pelegra and losing all his teeth at age 9 because his family — in 1950’s Indiana — was so poor they ate mostly rats. And occasionally squirrels.

Yes, the mid-century married couple was a pair of crazies… at least, that’s what the advertising shows us.

Lidian of Kitchen Retro today featured another of those scary Lysol ads, this one showing an apparently sex-crazed wife trying to break into whatever room her husband has locked himself. Why has he barred the door, refusing to comply with her marital demands? Because she hasn’t used caustic floor cleaner to give herself chemical burns, and doesn’t smell hygienic.

There are just so many levels of creepy here. I feel sorry for anybody who was brought up in a world which thought an ad like this was insightful and compelling.

From Page 151 of Junior Home Economics, ca. 1933.

Any ad with a quote like this is charming:

“Sani-Flush is made for just this purpose. It cleans closet bowls. It cleans and purifies the hidden, unhealthful trap. It destroys all odors. It will not harm plumbing connections. There is nothing else like Sani-Flush.”

But really, it’s the wavering indecision that I love. “Should we use the common term toilet or the more prudish upscale closet bowl?”

Via The Mad Vortex