Comic book ads were always a combination of over-hyped and useless, designed to appeal to young readers with a combination of low budget and high gullibility. It was nice to find dozens of them listed together on one page: a giant TREASURE CHEST OF FUN! (Of course, you have to order each of them separately, a treasure chest is not included, and fun, well, that’s mildly debatable…)
(I realize the scan isn’t terribly easy to read, but neither is the original 2-point-font smearily printed advertisement… apologies anyway.)
Here are a few of my favorites:
ATOMIC SMOKE BOMB
Just light one and watch the
column of thick, white smoke
rise to the ceiling, mushrooming
into a dense cloud, just like an A-Bomb.
No. 971……20¢
Yeah, just like an A-Bomb! Mushrooming and all! (Sadly, it is probably missing the rather significant irradiate-the-neighborhood side effect. Making your neighbor’s dog melt into a pile of radioactive goo strikes me as a much more impressive — or at least, memorable — prank. The family never talks about the time Little Bobby created a big cloud of smoke, but actual atomic warfare in the neighborhood, that they’d remember…)
In any case, it’s not clear why they needed to make this an “atomic” smoke bomb — it is incredibly intuitively obvious (I would hope) that it’s not going to be an ACTUAL atomic bomb. Other items advertised on the page are classic prankster items (foaming sugar, black-tinted chewing gum, ink on an eyepiece), so it’s weird that this one needed the whole nuclear tie-in. The only reason I can think for making the connection would be the hyper-awareness that every kid already had of atomic bombs.
And, once you’ve set off the atomic smoke bomb, you’ll probably need a…
MIDGET BIBLE
Beautifully printed on fine paper.
Contains 200 pages in 1″ x 1-1/2″ book.
Carry with you at all times.
No. 6574…..Only 40 ¢
No, it’s not a Bible for the height-challenged, it’s a miniature Bible. (Or height-challenged Bible.)
Presumably you must carry this “with you at all times” so you can repent the sin of attempting to nuke your house but ended up simply filling it with smoke, enraging but not irradiating your mother. (I think the penalties for that are covered in the book of Ezekiel. If not, one can always fall back on a good old stoning.)
Of course, if the font size is the same (or, Heaven forbid, smaller) as what you see on this advertisement page, it’s going to be illegible anyway…
Finally, I’d like to point out that an atomic (smoke) bomb costs less than the Bible. I leave it as an exercise for the reader to speculate on the many amusing meanings inherent in that.
SURPRISE PACKAGE
Are you willing to take a chance?
We won’t tell you what you get,
but because you’re willing to gamble,
we’ll give you more than your money’s worth.
No. 678…..Only 50 ¢
I’d like it if this was invariably a Midget Bible, as well as a note scolding you for the sin of gambling.
Intriguingly, you can still buy a “something” today from The Something Store, except it will cost $10 (accounting for inflation, the 1960 “something” cost approximately $3.50 in 2007 money). But somehow, the modern “something” feels a lot less sleazy than the 1960 “something” — perhaps because it’s not buried in an advertisement for rubber snakes, jiu-jitsu manuals, and a “pocket gym”.
