the good old days

One out of three accidents occur at intersections, so watch this 1973 drivers’ ed film to teach you how to deal with it. Or, just watch it to laugh at the weird juxtaposition of the gangsters in 1920’s clothing driving a 1970’s getaway car. There are a few sequences with stop-motion photography, but it’s nowhere near as well-done as in Live and Let Live; overall, very dull. Are we really surprised that it’s hard to make intersection right-of-way rules exciting, though?

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One thing they mention is that you’re supposed to travel in the passing lane(s) on the interstate, and stay out of the entry lane (unless entering or exiting). I’m going to have to watch more drivers safety films, because I always learned to stay as far right as possible unless you’re passing. Or, this might simply be advice more applicable to places like Chicago (where I think this was filmed) where on-ramps are found every half-mile, rather than places where I grew up like Middle O’Nowhere, Ohio, which have ten mile stretches between exits.

Ike The Bike is your narrator and guide through the 1978 film I Like Bikes. While its pacing and slow narration seem best suited to grade schoolers than 16-year-olds in drivers ed, it’s clearly trying to warn new drivers about the difficulty of noticing bicycles and the importance of keeping an eye out. Full of bike-car safety lessons and 70’s fashion… and a wee bit of drivel.

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The film centers around Lisa, who used to like — nay, love — bikes when she was younger. However, as soon as her license arrives in the mail (yes, kids, the license used to take time to make), she drives over her bike with a car. Yes, she runs it over. No more bikes for her, just that gas-guzzling boat of a Cadillac! But Ike still optimistically insists that she likes bikes, showing many situations in which she has a chance to demonstrate that by watching closely for bicyclists and not running THEM over like she did her own bike.

At about 10 minutes in, Ike goes on a minor tirade about the fragility of bikes. “Little things upset us” can also be read as a caution to the car-driving world — bikes are touchy and swift to anger, do not incur their wrath! That’s the lesson I’d like to leave you with today… some day, bicycles will rise up against their automobile oppressors and retake the roadways of the world. And they’re just the gateway vehicle for the dreaded unicycle riders.

While the title made me think it would be about how to safely make a u-turn, the 1936 Turnabout Man is actually about road rage. I waffled for a while whether to use this for an Etiquette film or a Driver’s Safety film; however, its messages have larger implications for societal etiquette, so you get it on a Tuesday.

The basic plot is simple: a driver magically begins to drive the way he lives his normal life (politely), and conduct himself the way he drives (not politely).

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Reckless, rude driving has an interesting parallel with internet anonymity. In 1930, well before Teh Web, an automobile was the closest you could come to that, since the speed and enclosed vehicle effectively removed you from personal contact with pedestrians and other drivers. When there’s anonymity, it’s easier for the true nature of a person to show itself — through “road rage” or through ignorant, shortsighted, and rude discussions/comments on blogs and forums. I seriously doubt that people were constantly charming to each other before cars and computers (although who knows, I wasn’t alive then), but it must have been riskier to be a total asshole when you had to walk away from whoever you were insulting.

Don’t drive in Boston. Ever.

This is not to say you shouldn’t visit (or even live in) Boston and surrounding areas. I lived in Charlestown for seven years and visit the area every couple of years; this time, it was for my brother-in-law’s graduation in Cambridge. This meant we were with my mother- and father-in-law, which automatically means the batshit insanity level goes through the roof. (I love them, I really do, but vacationing with them is at least five times as stressful as it needs to be.)

Normally, I’d hop onto the T or a bus and go wherever I need to. Not only is the coverage great, but you don’t have to deal with parking or driving. Parking in Boston or Cambridge is batshit insane, especially when you’re trying to park for a graduation in Cambridge and so are 2400 other graduates’ families. Similarly, local drivers are batshit insane, and it gets worse when they are angry about dealing with hundreds of out-of-town drivers who don’t understand Boston Traffic Ettikit.

However, my in-laws badgered us into driving rather than taking the subway. (”You want to take the kids on the subway? OMG!”) So once again, I got to experience streets with no street signs (”This isn’t Prospect Street!” “HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU TELL?”), green left-turn arrows on the right-most stoplight (?!?), taxi-cabs wedging themselves in wherever they want, rehabilitated amphibious assault vehicles (the “duckboat” tours) randomly cutting me off, and (my personal favorite) at least two cars from oncoming traffic will turn left in front of you when the light turns green.

After every illegal, dangerous maneuver you see, you’ll be granted a cheery wave, a silent “thanks, sucker,” that acknowledges your excellent braking reflexes. I learned to drive in Boston traffic, but I’ve gotten soft after living in Indiana and South Carolina — Boston Traffic Ettikit requires ruthless driving or you’ll never get anywhere. Yielding is for babies and clueless tourists. It took a little while to get back into the rhythm.

We did get to have some fun by trying to lose my husband’s parents in the bad traffic, though… their own fault for deciding to follow us

This is one of those film titles that would go really well with dramatic music after it… The Last Date [DUM DUM DUM!]

Dick York was only 21 when this was made in 1949, so it’s not unreasonable to see him trying to play a high school jock. It is funny, though. It’s also worth watching to see where the well-known phrase “teenicide” originated. What’s that — you’ve never heard of teenicide? I guess that’s because you’ve never seen this film!

Please enjoy the plentiful innuendo sprinkled throughout…

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One of the funniest lines: “Tea doesn’t come from China, silly! It comes from Ceylon… or somewhere…” which goes to show that despite the permanent disfigurement resulting from the accident, Jeanne will still have a fulfilling life since she’s so smart. (Ha! Just kidding! She’s ugly now and the 1950’s will not accept that; she’s destined for a life of being pointed at and ridiculed, perhaps a long-term career as a circus freak.)

What’s the Big Hurry?
(IMDB claims it was made in 1970, but there’s no copyright date in the Prelinger version)

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Surprisingly gore-free for a Sid Davis film, there’s still plenty of carnage if you count wrecked cars. This was filmed almost exclusively in a junkyard, with smashed and damaged auto bodies scattered about. (Apparently this makes for great fun if you’re a car aficionado and enjoy identifying cars, even when they’re mangled.)

Live and Let Live, produced in 1947 by Ætna Insurance, is one of the few Driver’s Safety films that I’ve watched and thought, This would actually be great for drivers to see. It covers the basics quickly, so you’re not bored to death by each point. At times it gets a bit preachy (what driver’s safety film doesn’t?), but it doesn’t feel heavy-handed like some do. I really like the stop-motion animation; the models are well done, as are the background scenery and roads. (Model train enthusiasts will be excited to know there are plenty of locomotives included, although the only purpose of their existence is to crash into careless motorists.)

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One intriguing note: Around 6 minutes in, look carefully — you’ll see a blinking green light at that intersection. Not many of those left anymore!

In British Columbia and a few U.S. state, a flashing green signal is used at a pedestrian crossing, at which pedestrians have the ability to stop traffic to allow a safe crossing….

In several European countries, a flashing green light is used in crosswalks to indicate that signal is going to change from green to red soon. Therefore, flashing green has roughly the same meaning to pedestrians as ordinary yellow signal has for motorists.

Wikipedia claims that a flashing green can be found in Cambridge and Somerville, but in my seven years living there, the only one I ever saw was at an intersection in Middle Of Nowhere, Massachusetts.

Tired of all those 30’s Chevy ads masquerading as safety films? Me too! So today’s offering, made in 1957, is None For the Road: Teen-Age Drinking and Driving. I expected it to be a bit more “mental hygiene” than “driver’s safety”, a teenagers are out of control and drinking OMG WTF film — but the main characters are teenagers only because its intended audience is new drivers. The message applies to drivers of any age, and it’s surprisingly balanced.

A professor of physiology opens the film by explaining it revolves around two seemingly unrelated items: a good-luck charm and an ordinary hypodermic syringe. You may be beginning to see that the professor of physiology is not the best character in this film.

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So, through the magic of science, we learn that alcohol blunts your reflexes and makes driving dangerous. This is a subject that required serious scientific study? I knew a lot of people in college who wished their research was “devoted to alcohol and its effect on the human body.” You’d think thousands of years of humans getting drunk and losing their coordination would be pretty compelling, but nooo, this guy has to get rats drunk and see how well they can hold onto thin metal bars. Hey, whatever it takes to get your NSF grant renewed, right?

Humor aside: please don’t drink and drive, ever — for your own safety and everybody else’s.

It’s a 1930’s driver’s safety film? Of course it’s made by Chevy! Ah, Jam Handy, you’ve done it again with 1935’s Safe Roads.

When Big Brother crashes Little Brother’s toy trains, Grandpa takes the opportunity to encourage Big Brother to be a safe driver. Of course, he’s trying to correlate train safety to automotive safety, so the analogy gets stretched pretty thin.

Most interesting, Grandpa asserts that, when safety rules are followed, “these modern cars are a lot safer than slower cars of yesterday.” Try to back THAT one up with some statistics. If Fast New Car A and Slow Old Car B are driven by the same person, the fast one is safer? (Maybe if you’re being chased by a giant Tyrannosaurus Rex. Remember Ian Malcolm muttering, “Must go faster!” in the back of that Jeep? If he’d been in a 1935 Chevy, he wouldn’t have been worried at all!)

Of course, the safety recommendation is following the rules, the Chevy advertising is zippy cars. See how hard it is to make driver’s safety films at the same time as advertisements? I wouldn’t have wanted to be the guy who had to write these scripts.

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Mostly, sit back and enjoy the lovely vintage shots of a time when trains were the way to travel long distances. Railroad enthusiasts will be in ecstasy. Drivers hoping for driving advice will be disappointed.

In the 1930’s, Chevrolet and Jam Handy made a few films about being a polite, safe driver.

The Other Fellow stars Edgar Kennedy as every driver on the road, making things slightly confusing. (It’s extra difficult for the modern viewer who desperately tries to recall who Edgar Kennedy was.*)

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The driving effects make you want to scream and duck as Kennedy violently swerves around. But, you’re reassured that a Chevy has a loud horn (can’t thank the film-makers enough for all that honking), includes hydraulic brakes (explicitly mentioned) in the car, and apparently will not take damage when bumped into by other cars.

So what safe driving lesson do we learn? (1) Buy a Chevy! (2) Let other drivers know what you’re going to do (it isn’t clear how that keeps other drivers from backing into your car while it’s parked at a curb, which happens repeatedly to Edgar Kennedy Clone #17) by using hand signals. And that bit of advice completely removes the film from the category of “possibly relevant to modern drivers”.

* If you’re interested in old films, Edgar Kennedy was one of the comedians of Keystone Studio, starring with the likes of Fatty Arbuckle and Charlie Chaplin. He was in hundreds of films, which is less surprising when you realize how short many films were back in the early days of Hollywood.