12th Jun 2008
On the invention of religions
It started out rather innocently. One day there was a huge rumble of thunder, the normal ramp-up of a thunderstorm echoing around the hills of southern Indiana. My two-year-old comes running in, crying, “There’s a bear outside!” I laugh, and tell her, “No, sweetie, that’s thunder.”
“Ohhhhh,” she says, eyes growing wide. “Thunder Bear!”
And the myth grew from there. Whenever Thunder Bear growled, my daughter shrieked in half-real fear. Eventually, she decided he must ride a motorcycle around the sky — a Midwest thunderstorm can be quite loud and persistent, exhausting the vocalizing power of even the most persistent of angry ursines. If it started raining while we were in the car, she declared Thunder Bear was riding along with us on the roof. At times, she would feed him, tossing pretend food through a pretend roof hole.
Now, two years later, she has decided that Thunder Bear is a god and told us so at a recent Shabbat meal. While we’re hardly the most observant of Jews, it did seem a little inappropriate. To abide by the first commandment, though, we made sure she understood that G-d is number one and there are no others before him — they’re welcome to hang out after him. But I fear it’s only a matter of time before we’re starting to leave out sacrificial bowls of honey to propitiate Thunder Bear (or attract him, since the Midlands of South Carolina seem to be drought-prone).
I can’t wait to introduce her to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster 
Thunderbear’s not so bad. Just don’t tell her my favorite Deep Thought from Jack Handey:
—If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”—
BTW–there’s also the ThunderChicken (aka USC Gamecock)
Interestingly, she’s gone through a whole range of explanations about what rain is — Thunder Bear crying, jumping in puddles, sneezing, sweating (ewww), and a few others I’ve forgotten.
It’s watching medieval Christian heresies evolving, but on an incredibly short time scale. I have no doubt that Child Two will be embroiled in religious wars with his sister, once he’s old enough to understand the complexities of Ursine Theology.
The notion that Thunder Bear is a deity is my doing, I’m afraid. She asked me what Thunder Bear “was,” and I initially had no answer. But she persisted, and I said, “I guess he’s a kind of storm god.” And it went from there.
Additionally, it appears I’m missing out on a lot of USC culture by not attending the football games. I had no idea the mascot was ever called the “ThunderChicken.”