08th Apr 2008
Etiquette and Society: Don’t be a jackass
I’ve been wanting to start a weekly look back at societal norms of days gone by, because (especially when you read books giving suggestions and guidance) they can be even funnier than mental hygiene films. However, Racialicious had a great guest article yesterday about the tendency, particularly of old people, to make incredibly rude and racist comments — and the tendency of everyone else to consider them acceptable because, “Grandpa grew up in a different time when that was considered acceptable,” or some similar excuse. I’ve used it in my own head whenever my grandparents would say something shockingly racist; how else can one reconcile the crazy bigot with the beloved elder?
So, I instead begin my etiquette series with a look at why the “different time” excuse is complete and utter bullshit. There’s never been a time when it’s considered socially acceptable to be rude. Even if you are willing to grant older generations the privilege to think a different race or religion is somehow “lower” — and that’s a big exemption which they should not get, in my opinion — there’s no reason they should be allowed to treat anyone as sub-human.
For a modern definition, we will turn to Wikipedia:
Etiquette codes prescribe and restrict the ways in which people interact with each other, based on respect for other people and the accepted customs of a society.
Once again, the fundamental point is to respect other people. ALL other people. Not just the ones you happen to like.
But: is this a new feature of modern society (which the excuse for old folks completely disregarding manners)? Excerpt from the introduction to Etiquette (emphasis mine):
Etiquette requires that we shall treat all people with equal courtesy, given the same conditions. It has a tendency to ignore the individuality of people. We may not slight one man simply because we do not like him, nor may we publicly exhibit extreme preference for the one whom we do like. In both cases the rebel against the restraints of social mice shouts the charge of “insincerity.” Well, perhaps some of the impulses of sincerity are better held in check; they are too closely allied to the humoring of our cherished prejudices. If “tact consists in knowing what not to say,” etiquette consists in knowing what not to do in the direction of manifesting our impulsive likes and dislikes.
That’s from 1919, around when most of the current generation of “grandparents” was born; being polite was not a revolutionary concept. The author isn’t ignorant enough to pretend that prejudice doesn’t exist — we all know prejudice exists — but insists the key is to ignore your prejudices when making a decision how to treat a person.
I don’t know how accurate a view of traditional etiquette that is. After all, the old forms provided for the existence of enemies. There were rules about how you were to treat them, of course. Ignoring an enemy was perfectly acceptable, and if you needed to make it clear to someone that you weren’t interested in (say) his company, you could sternly state: “Sir, I do not know you,” turn and walk away.